Friday, June 1, 2007


A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! The full package and since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: "I didn't recognise you." =))

Linked to: JRP

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This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset." =))

Linked to: JRP

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A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey." =))

Linked to: JRP

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Observing The Baby One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50." =))

Linked to: JRP

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The Pope has just finished a tour of Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, the Pope asks the chauffeur if he might drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't have much choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the red and blue lights of a CHP cruiser in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.

The trooper, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper calls in and asks for the Chief. He tells the Chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how to handle it.

"It's not Ted Kennedy again, is it?" asks the Chief.

"No Sir!" replies the trooper, "This guy's more important."

"Is it the governor?"

"No! Even more important!"

"Is it the PRESIDENT?"

"No! Even more important!"

"Well, WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the Chief.

"I don't know, Sir," replies the trooper, "But he's got the Pope as his chauffeur! =))

Linked to: JRP

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Once there was a police man and one day on duty he saw a man with a brick on a leash. Being the man that he was he went over and said to the man and said nice dog you got there.

The man replied, "it's not a dog its a brick dumb ass!"

The policeman said "I'm really sorry for wasting your time" feeling embarrassed and strolled away quickly.

When the policeman was out of site the man bent down and whispered to the brick: "Got him there didn't we Rover?" =))

Linked to: JRP

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A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.

He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds and thousands.

A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies:

"It looks like he's topped himself" =))

Linked to: JRP

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A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"

"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.

The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'

"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.

"Rustling." =))

Linked to: JRP

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While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".

"What do you think?" one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!" =))

Linked to: JRP

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When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well...tell me!" he demanded.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."

"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning." =))

Linked to: JRP

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An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.

The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes." =))

Linked to: JRP

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In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the president narrowed the field to three finalist, the CIA, the FBI, and the Chicago Police.

The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it.

The CPD went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear was yelling "Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit". =))

Linked to: JRP

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• I only had one officer Mr. Keg.

• Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

• Want to race to the station, Sparky?

• I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!

• On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.

• You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!

• Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

• Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?

• How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

• Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

• I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

• Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?

• Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!

• Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

• I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

• Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

• You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

• "Bad Cop! No Donut!"

• I was trying to keep up with traffic.

• You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

• "Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"

• Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

• Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.

• I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

• So, uh, you "on the take", or what?

• Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

• Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

• So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?

• Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

• When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the camcorder.

• Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

• Aren't you one of the Village People?

• Hey officer, want to see a trick? Look at your wife! =))

Linked to: JRP

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